Saturday, November 13, 2010

The first year

Well, obviously I am a little slow on getting this blog up to date and keeping it that way. I will try and get better on that thought :)

So, I made it, somehow through the incredibly foggy journey this year has been......I am still here. I survived I guess. Or maybe I am surviving. That is a better way to put it. Not that I want to be surviving, and not that I want to die either, because I don't think I am ready for that.....but I so desperately want my son back. Although I know it is a unreal request or wish it doesn't mean I can't dream right? I miss him terribly, everyday, BUT I also smile, and laugh and enjoy days as well. I wonder who he would be today at 1 yrs old and 13 days. I wonder, how he would look, what his laugh would sound like, what he would eat, and what color his eyes would be. I wonder how his father would be with him, although I know he would be wonderful. I wonder how christmas would be, his first that he'd get to enjoy since last yr he would have been a newborn basically. I wonder so many things, would he have 2 teeth or 4 now, would he like to meet new people, would he be running around like a mad man (probably). All these things and more I wonder. All these things and more I will always miss.

So you see, yes, I survived the first year of hell. I did it on 'auto-pilot' and rolled with the waves. At times the tide was very low and then suddenly high tide came in out of nowhere. But I made it. The day of  Jayden's birthday was/is the 31st of October. He turned 1 this year. I won't lie and say it was a great day, BUT it did have good moments in it as well. Of course I broke down many times, his father went home for a little while to do some things (we don't live together), so when he left I checked my computer. OMG< the tears started immediately seeing how many people remembered me. I cried so hard, and hadn't done that in so long, and I mean I cried. The tears that run from everywhere it seems, my nose was running and I was a wreck. My son turned 1 today and I couldn't even hold him. I cried in the shower, on the couch, in the car on the way to cemetary. I cried alot. But I needed to. I bought him some balloons, and my bff sent flowers and balloons to cemetary. SO when I got there to clean his stone off, I cried some more. Cleaned him up as usual, and sat for a little while. Thinking of everything, talking a little bit, praying some, just being. When I released his balloons they went with grace and flew pretty fast. He must have been waiting for them :) That night we went to dinner, a great dinner, but we both knew it wasn't a great day/night. It was a unspoken thing we just looked at eachother. It being Halloween for everyone else in the world, I didn't want to see costumes or babies, and thankfully there were not many at the restaraunt. All I wanted was to hold my son on his birthday. Thats all I will want every year I am sure. But I also hope to one day be holding his brother/sister in my arms and telling them his story. Because one day, I will hold my baby again and get to see him grow.

The first year is hard yes, but I think the second year is going to be my year of recognizing. No more smoke & mirrors.