Saturday, November 13, 2010

The first year

Well, obviously I am a little slow on getting this blog up to date and keeping it that way. I will try and get better on that thought :)

So, I made it, somehow through the incredibly foggy journey this year has been......I am still here. I survived I guess. Or maybe I am surviving. That is a better way to put it. Not that I want to be surviving, and not that I want to die either, because I don't think I am ready for that.....but I so desperately want my son back. Although I know it is a unreal request or wish it doesn't mean I can't dream right? I miss him terribly, everyday, BUT I also smile, and laugh and enjoy days as well. I wonder who he would be today at 1 yrs old and 13 days. I wonder, how he would look, what his laugh would sound like, what he would eat, and what color his eyes would be. I wonder how his father would be with him, although I know he would be wonderful. I wonder how christmas would be, his first that he'd get to enjoy since last yr he would have been a newborn basically. I wonder so many things, would he have 2 teeth or 4 now, would he like to meet new people, would he be running around like a mad man (probably). All these things and more I wonder. All these things and more I will always miss.

So you see, yes, I survived the first year of hell. I did it on 'auto-pilot' and rolled with the waves. At times the tide was very low and then suddenly high tide came in out of nowhere. But I made it. The day of  Jayden's birthday was/is the 31st of October. He turned 1 this year. I won't lie and say it was a great day, BUT it did have good moments in it as well. Of course I broke down many times, his father went home for a little while to do some things (we don't live together), so when he left I checked my computer. OMG< the tears started immediately seeing how many people remembered me. I cried so hard, and hadn't done that in so long, and I mean I cried. The tears that run from everywhere it seems, my nose was running and I was a wreck. My son turned 1 today and I couldn't even hold him. I cried in the shower, on the couch, in the car on the way to cemetary. I cried alot. But I needed to. I bought him some balloons, and my bff sent flowers and balloons to cemetary. SO when I got there to clean his stone off, I cried some more. Cleaned him up as usual, and sat for a little while. Thinking of everything, talking a little bit, praying some, just being. When I released his balloons they went with grace and flew pretty fast. He must have been waiting for them :) That night we went to dinner, a great dinner, but we both knew it wasn't a great day/night. It was a unspoken thing we just looked at eachother. It being Halloween for everyone else in the world, I didn't want to see costumes or babies, and thankfully there were not many at the restaraunt. All I wanted was to hold my son on his birthday. Thats all I will want every year I am sure. But I also hope to one day be holding his brother/sister in my arms and telling them his story. Because one day, I will hold my baby again and get to see him grow.

The first year is hard yes, but I think the second year is going to be my year of recognizing. No more smoke & mirrors.


  1. <3 love you and Jayden....xoxo...i look forward to reading along with your journey

  2. You made it through the first year! I am only three months into it! I relate so much to how you described getting through day to day. Yes, we are on auto pilot. Sometimes I still find myself in my day to day life, out in public wondering, "what am I doing here, my baby died." You did amazing though, and I can only imagine how bittersweet *ONE YEAR* is... My heart is here for you though, anytime.
    I must say though, October 31st, what a special little guy to be born on Halloween!
    All my love and prayers,

  3. And I said "though" 100 times in that comment... whoops! :)

  4. LOL, Megan I do that too don't worry.And I am here for you as well.

    Ant, <3 you all as well. Thank you!

  5. What can I say... It isn't fair that Jayden isn't here, it isn't fair that he died, and it isn't fair that you have to live without him!!! The first year was excruciating and I was numb... And yet now four years later it seems like a dream. I don't rememer much except not being able to sleep, crying all the time, and emersing myself in anything that had to do with him, and every day wanting him to come back to me. The second year sucked too!!!
    I am sorry that we have to live without our boys =(
    thinking of you & Jayden

  6. I've just read some of your journey, and I am sorry that you are here facing this.
    I don't know why it happens, but we are here.

    I am so sorry for your loss and pain.

  7. Thank you "visual notes". SOrry I have been very slack at bloggin. I will post more soon.