Sunday, April 10, 2011

Tupperware and then some......

I don't write nearly as often as I me, the thoughts are there. Guess I need to get better at this. I am going to try. Well tonight....hmmmmm.....

Tupperware and then some. Tupperware, so many uses for different forms of plastic. (I promise, this will all come together somehow, just be patient.) OK, so in my house, some of the uses of plastic tupperware are: dog food container holder, left over food storage container, water bowl, cleaning product holder, storage container (ohhhhh the storage containers, back to you in a minute), food transporter, christmas decoration storage, I'm sure there is more.
Today upon looking in my closet for probably the millionth (that is a word lol) time, I focused on some tupperware/storage containers.......these containers hold so much more than any food,cleaning items or anything else. You see, these 3 LARGE plastic storage bins, they hold my hopes, my dreams, my wishes, what should have been part of my future and memories. They are full, full of baby blankets, towels, socks, clothes, shoes, more blankets, more onesies, shoes, hats, sheets, crib mattress covers, more clothes and more. They sit there completely clean, all washed (well maybe not the 12mo and up things but clean). For some reason tonight I have had a urge to go open those containers and look thru each and every one of them. I don't regret having them in there. In fact I wouldn't put them anywhere else. As I am ALWAYS deathly afraid (yes paranoia is a issue now for me, I will never admit this to many people though) that my apartment will catch fire and I will lose it all. I will lose my pictures, my sons ONLY plaster footprint mold, his incomplete baby book, the storage tubs of clothes he will never wear, the baby tub he will never use, the diaper bag(that still is packed with odds & ends). I wonder how on earth I would possibly save all of that and my dog. The only things that matter to me are those. Take the apartment, burn it down, forget the furniture, my clothes, shoes, etc.....just give me my dog and ALL of my sons things. You see I have thought of getting a fire proof safe before, but there is so many items I would want to keep there....I'd have to get up early everyday just to pack it all inside then at night get it all out (well the pictures, footprint, blanket, my molly (Jayden) bear, poem that is framed, see yes I am nuerotic now. So I wonder, how do I let go of this crippling anxiety type fear issue I have....ummmm yeah I don't know. Obviously packing & unloading a safe is not a feasable thought in reality, running into a burning building to save all of those items....I'd probably not make it. But I know I would try. I'd kick and scream at any govt official that tried to stop, probably end up arrested for that.

You see, 17months into this journey of my now "new normal" I still struggle. I struggle everyday for the child I will never know. I will also say, I have come a long way. I miss my son daily of course, but I know my son is what also gives me strength to reach new destinations. HE is my strength. Everyone says "you're so strong", "I could not go through what you went through" or "i don't know how you do it"...guess what...neither do i, I didn't ask to go through losing a child and certainly would rather be a weak weak person that has a child than this.  But 17months and here I am, yes I am here. I don't know why this week has been hard, maybe because a family member found out they are having a girl. I am thrilled for them by the way. Maybe because another relative said they are waiting to hear what the expecting couple needs (same relative that refused to discuss my pregnany, didn't buy anything for my son (when they bought everything for my sister during her pregnancies), maybe i have just been lonely this week. Maybe I just need a hug, a stiff drink or a punching bag and some gloves. I really don't know, but I am here. Still wandering through the tupperware and containers that will remain there. I wish I could get pregnant again (and soon). This is no secret to my sons father. I know another child will never replace my son, so please don't think that is my goal. My son will hold my heart forever, you see I lost my future when I lost my son. Now I have leftovers in tupperware, only these leftovers are still new. That is one of the uses of tupperware in my house.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The first year

Well, obviously I am a little slow on getting this blog up to date and keeping it that way. I will try and get better on that thought :)

So, I made it, somehow through the incredibly foggy journey this year has been......I am still here. I survived I guess. Or maybe I am surviving. That is a better way to put it. Not that I want to be surviving, and not that I want to die either, because I don't think I am ready for that.....but I so desperately want my son back. Although I know it is a unreal request or wish it doesn't mean I can't dream right? I miss him terribly, everyday, BUT I also smile, and laugh and enjoy days as well. I wonder who he would be today at 1 yrs old and 13 days. I wonder, how he would look, what his laugh would sound like, what he would eat, and what color his eyes would be. I wonder how his father would be with him, although I know he would be wonderful. I wonder how christmas would be, his first that he'd get to enjoy since last yr he would have been a newborn basically. I wonder so many things, would he have 2 teeth or 4 now, would he like to meet new people, would he be running around like a mad man (probably). All these things and more I wonder. All these things and more I will always miss.

So you see, yes, I survived the first year of hell. I did it on 'auto-pilot' and rolled with the waves. At times the tide was very low and then suddenly high tide came in out of nowhere. But I made it. The day of  Jayden's birthday was/is the 31st of October. He turned 1 this year. I won't lie and say it was a great day, BUT it did have good moments in it as well. Of course I broke down many times, his father went home for a little while to do some things (we don't live together), so when he left I checked my computer. OMG< the tears started immediately seeing how many people remembered me. I cried so hard, and hadn't done that in so long, and I mean I cried. The tears that run from everywhere it seems, my nose was running and I was a wreck. My son turned 1 today and I couldn't even hold him. I cried in the shower, on the couch, in the car on the way to cemetary. I cried alot. But I needed to. I bought him some balloons, and my bff sent flowers and balloons to cemetary. SO when I got there to clean his stone off, I cried some more. Cleaned him up as usual, and sat for a little while. Thinking of everything, talking a little bit, praying some, just being. When I released his balloons they went with grace and flew pretty fast. He must have been waiting for them :) That night we went to dinner, a great dinner, but we both knew it wasn't a great day/night. It was a unspoken thing we just looked at eachother. It being Halloween for everyone else in the world, I didn't want to see costumes or babies, and thankfully there were not many at the restaraunt. All I wanted was to hold my son on his birthday. Thats all I will want every year I am sure. But I also hope to one day be holding his brother/sister in my arms and telling them his story. Because one day, I will hold my baby again and get to see him grow.

The first year is hard yes, but I think the second year is going to be my year of recognizing. No more smoke & mirrors.

Monday, October 25, 2010


Today starts my week of anxiety, my week of anticipation, my week of reminders of the year I should have had and the year I have. The reminders of how different everything should be, and how horrible it became. I knew the week would come, but I swear it seems like it came real fucking fast. Well lets see, Halloween is on Sunday. For me it is no longer Halloween. It is Jayden's birthday, or now his rememberance day I guess. It is the day I should have enjoyed, picking out his first halloween costume planning his first birthday party. Now it is a day we will never look at that way. I dread the fact that a friend whose son was born 6weeks after Jayden will be pictured in his 1st costume, my cousins son will be in pictures for my family to oooh and ahhh over. Mind you she has 2 other kids and is going through a divorce so its not her first. He was/is my first. It hurts to realize all the things we DON'T get to do. It hurts realizing all the things I won't ever know. It just sometimes.

Ya know, most days are not as bad anymore, they still hurt don't get me wrong but they are better. Well this week just plain sucks. Today I was supposed to go speak at a event for United Way on behalf of the organization I went to right after I lost Jayden. Well I was to be there at 8:30 this morning for a 10 minute speech......oh and mind you, the company specifically requested ME as the speaker(united way). Well I set my alarm, hit snooze a few times, woke up at 8:20. Obviously I wasn't gonna make it, I called the contact I had info for to tell her I was obviously late. Well the contact at the event said it was ok but they would be done before I got there so they would just "wing it". I was disappointed in myself, hurt, mad, and everything else. Plus I feel like I let Jayden down. It was a chance to tell my story, tell his story and I screwed it up this morning. It has been bothering me all morning. I feel the urge of tears so close today. I know all this is probably related to the week off hell. Lets see, the 29th of October last year was my last dr appointment, the day was good, hb was fabulous and everything was great. The 30th we went to dinner, to celebrate i guess, a few hours later my water broke, my son was born sleeping and everything I knew was gone.

SO yeah, this week might suck but I am going to try and find my joy buried in the week somewhere. And I am trying to get my blogging thing going. Thanks for the patience.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

***Possible Triggers***giving me time, trying to get here

Well maybe I should start by telling the beginning to get caught up.
In April 2009 I found out I was pregnant (actually March, but dr confirmed April). In July, we found out we were having a boy. Very excited and scared but looking forward to evertyhing. let me say, my sons father and I were more than friends but not commited(he wasn't my boyfriend nor I his girlfriend at the time), though I was not seeing anyone else we were "seeing eachother" I guess you could say. At first he stepped back though he was still there but more distant. Then we came together, we knew we would co-parent with no problems and were willing to work things out mutually and for the sake of our son. Of course I was hoping our relationship would strengthen with our son but knew our friendship would always be there regardless. I was determined to handle everything amicably, and in the best interest of our son. So as time grew closer and appointments went well we knew the days were coming up soon.October 29,2009 my dr appointment went great followed by the usual comment "ok any day now". Little did I know that would be the final time to hear my sons beating heart. We went to dinner that friday night (Oct 30th) as a last meal before baby came kinda date I guess. No where special just chilis but its what I wanted LOL. Later that night my normal braxton hicks were occuring, and home I went. He & I were not living together so he dropped me off and said our good byes, rubber my belly and inside I went. Romantic I know, haha. Well I lay in bed that night resltess and decided to talk to my bff on the phone, she is in California so the time difference was great. We talked for a while, and right before getting off the phone my water broke. OMG I thought, wow, its time. However everyone in my family took a long time to labor and surprisingly enough I was the first to have my water break at home. Mind you...I was 38 weeks along, so full term and ready. My contractions were coming back to back, C was on his way, called dr and she said come on in she'd see me in a few hrs (ha ha), bag was packed. We were on the way, I lived close to the hospital so we got there soon of course I got sick in the ER window (I did warn them though, nice I know). Well we get in the room, I get to pee one time before getting hooked to monitors and all. Needless to say, I get changed and settled into my ever so comfy (ha yeah right) hospital bed, with the actually very nice nursing staff and C getting settled with paperwork at my side. Through all the monitors they were having a hard time finding his HB, asked where was he last, when was my last appointment, where was he today, when did I last feel him? Ok, so have you ever been asked that? Well for me, my son wasnt a highly active lil man to begin with, he had his periods in the day but it wasn't constant. So now I was second guessing when I last felt him move. Mind you it is approximately 3something in the morning maybe, my water broke at 2am, we were at hospital by 3am, and I think (know) that I felt him move at dinner.SO they continued to move monitors, I am contracting back to back and the nurse decided to check me....OMG holy hell...that hurts, I was ok till then. And she you are 8cm already. OMG, can I still get my epidural? Assured I would get it still, the nurses are getting papers signed, my blood pressure sky rocketed and I was put on a non-rebreather oxygen mask at high flow. I heard mention of "if c-section" is needed you have to put this on, funny thing we joked about c-sections. Well they mentioned a internal monitor as the were having a hard time finding his heartbeat, right then my doctor arrived. She ordered a u/s instead. She was looking at the monitor and turns to me and says "I have something I need to show you both, and you need to pay attention"....ok, I am thinking this is when she is going to say c-section. So I get C to give me my glasses, he stands next to my bed as she turns the monitor towards us. I see his perfect head right there and then she say here he is, and here is his heart......immediately i notice and say "WHY isn't it beating"....followed by the words I will never forget. " I am so sorry....I am so very sorry. Your sons heart is not beating, I believe your placenta has seperated and he has passed away. "(We are sobbing hysterically now and asking Why repeatedly), she proceeds to tell me/us that it appeats he has passed away within the last 8 hrs max, and because he is so low into the birth canal I have to deliver vaginally, a c-section is not a option. She also tells me how very sorry she is, that the anesthiologist is outside and in a few hrs we would deliver. Scared, hurt, crushed, empty, betrayed, unknowing, lost, confused, liek a failure and any other word you throw in probably describes how I felt. So C went to make a few calls, we were hurting so much and couldn't fix it, although I prayed they were wrong, I prayed he would come out screaming or able to prove them wrong. My perfect little monkey...he was there they were wrong. Well my mom showed up (whole nother story but at the time I was ok with her being there). At 7am it was time to start pushing. My mom, C, me, the dr, the nurses....and nothing but quiet in the room. So serene and not right, not how I imagined things at all. My world had crashed, its as if my body was there but I left the room a few hrs ago. After maybe 4 or 5 pushes at 7:42am, I gave birth to my everything. A perfect little boy at 6lbs 1 oz, head full of dark hair, perfect in every way and named Jayden. Ironically enough, my sons name I later came to realize (Jayden-God has heard, Christopher-with Christ)

Well, I will continue more soon I promise.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Getting started....under construction though

Well, as I try to get this blog designed and up, I have great appreciation for all my blogging friends. WOW, this isn't as simple as it may seem. However, bear with me because I will be back and soon.