Wednesday, October 6, 2010

***Possible Triggers***giving me time, trying to get here

Well maybe I should start by telling the beginning to get caught up.
In April 2009 I found out I was pregnant (actually March, but dr confirmed April). In July, we found out we were having a boy. Very excited and scared but looking forward to evertyhing. let me say, my sons father and I were more than friends but not commited(he wasn't my boyfriend nor I his girlfriend at the time), though I was not seeing anyone else we were "seeing eachother" I guess you could say. At first he stepped back though he was still there but more distant. Then we came together, we knew we would co-parent with no problems and were willing to work things out mutually and for the sake of our son. Of course I was hoping our relationship would strengthen with our son but knew our friendship would always be there regardless. I was determined to handle everything amicably, and in the best interest of our son. So as time grew closer and appointments went well we knew the days were coming up soon.October 29,2009 my dr appointment went great followed by the usual comment "ok any day now". Little did I know that would be the final time to hear my sons beating heart. We went to dinner that friday night (Oct 30th) as a last meal before baby came kinda date I guess. No where special just chilis but its what I wanted LOL. Later that night my normal braxton hicks were occuring, and home I went. He & I were not living together so he dropped me off and said our good byes, rubber my belly and inside I went. Romantic I know, haha. Well I lay in bed that night resltess and decided to talk to my bff on the phone, she is in California so the time difference was great. We talked for a while, and right before getting off the phone my water broke. OMG I thought, wow, its time. However everyone in my family took a long time to labor and surprisingly enough I was the first to have my water break at home. Mind you...I was 38 weeks along, so full term and ready. My contractions were coming back to back, C was on his way, called dr and she said come on in she'd see me in a few hrs (ha ha), bag was packed. We were on the way, I lived close to the hospital so we got there soon of course I got sick in the ER window (I did warn them though, nice I know). Well we get in the room, I get to pee one time before getting hooked to monitors and all. Needless to say, I get changed and settled into my ever so comfy (ha yeah right) hospital bed, with the actually very nice nursing staff and C getting settled with paperwork at my side. Through all the monitors they were having a hard time finding his HB, asked where was he last, when was my last appointment, where was he today, when did I last feel him? Ok, so have you ever been asked that? Well for me, my son wasnt a highly active lil man to begin with, he had his periods in the day but it wasn't constant. So now I was second guessing when I last felt him move. Mind you it is approximately 3something in the morning maybe, my water broke at 2am, we were at hospital by 3am, and I think (know) that I felt him move at dinner.SO they continued to move monitors, I am contracting back to back and the nurse decided to check me....OMG holy hell...that hurts, I was ok till then. And she you are 8cm already. OMG, can I still get my epidural? Assured I would get it still, the nurses are getting papers signed, my blood pressure sky rocketed and I was put on a non-rebreather oxygen mask at high flow. I heard mention of "if c-section" is needed you have to put this on, funny thing we joked about c-sections. Well they mentioned a internal monitor as the were having a hard time finding his heartbeat, right then my doctor arrived. She ordered a u/s instead. She was looking at the monitor and turns to me and says "I have something I need to show you both, and you need to pay attention"....ok, I am thinking this is when she is going to say c-section. So I get C to give me my glasses, he stands next to my bed as she turns the monitor towards us. I see his perfect head right there and then she say here he is, and here is his heart......immediately i notice and say "WHY isn't it beating"....followed by the words I will never forget. " I am so sorry....I am so very sorry. Your sons heart is not beating, I believe your placenta has seperated and he has passed away. "(We are sobbing hysterically now and asking Why repeatedly), she proceeds to tell me/us that it appeats he has passed away within the last 8 hrs max, and because he is so low into the birth canal I have to deliver vaginally, a c-section is not a option. She also tells me how very sorry she is, that the anesthiologist is outside and in a few hrs we would deliver. Scared, hurt, crushed, empty, betrayed, unknowing, lost, confused, liek a failure and any other word you throw in probably describes how I felt. So C went to make a few calls, we were hurting so much and couldn't fix it, although I prayed they were wrong, I prayed he would come out screaming or able to prove them wrong. My perfect little monkey...he was there they were wrong. Well my mom showed up (whole nother story but at the time I was ok with her being there). At 7am it was time to start pushing. My mom, C, me, the dr, the nurses....and nothing but quiet in the room. So serene and not right, not how I imagined things at all. My world had crashed, its as if my body was there but I left the room a few hrs ago. After maybe 4 or 5 pushes at 7:42am, I gave birth to my everything. A perfect little boy at 6lbs 1 oz, head full of dark hair, perfect in every way and named Jayden. Ironically enough, my sons name I later came to realize (Jayden-God has heard, Christopher-with Christ)

Well, I will continue more soon I promise.


  1. I had never read your story before. How agonizing. You are such a beautiful friend to me. Thank you. Thank you dear friend.

  2. I am so sorry Shelby ;-( What a shock to think ok here comes my baby only to lose him. I wish we knew why still births happen. I cannot imagine what you had to go through and breaks my heart! You are an amazing person, friend, and mother to Jayden. Jayden is such a beautiful baby & hope Jaleel showed him around in heaven. (((HUGS)))