Today starts my week of anxiety, my week of anticipation, my week of reminders of the year I should have had and the year I have. The reminders of how different everything should be, and how horrible it became. I knew the week would come, but I swear it seems like it came real fucking fast. Well lets see, Halloween is on Sunday. For me it is no longer Halloween. It is Jayden's birthday, or now his rememberance day I guess. It is the day I should have enjoyed, picking out his first halloween costume planning his first birthday party. Now it is a day we will never look at that way. I dread the fact that a friend whose son was born 6weeks after Jayden will be pictured in his 1st costume, my cousins son will be in pictures for my family to oooh and ahhh over. Mind you she has 2 other kids and is going through a divorce so its not her first. He was/is my first. It hurts to realize all the things we DON'T get to do. It hurts realizing all the things I won't ever know. It just sometimes.
Ya know, most days are not as bad anymore, they still hurt don't get me wrong but they are better. Well this week just plain sucks. Today I was supposed to go speak at a event for United Way on behalf of the organization I went to right after I lost Jayden. Well I was to be there at 8:30 this morning for a 10 minute speech......oh and mind you, the company specifically requested ME as the speaker(united way). Well I set my alarm, hit snooze a few times, woke up at 8:20. Obviously I wasn't gonna make it, I called the contact I had info for to tell her I was obviously late. Well the contact at the event said it was ok but they would be done before I got there so they would just "wing it". I was disappointed in myself, hurt, mad, and everything else. Plus I feel like I let Jayden down. It was a chance to tell my story, tell his story and I screwed it up this morning. It has been bothering me all morning. I feel the urge of tears so close today. I know all this is probably related to the week off hell. Lets see, the 29th of October last year was my last dr appointment, the day was good, hb was fabulous and everything was great. The 30th we went to dinner, to celebrate i guess, a few hours later my water broke, my son was born sleeping and everything I knew was gone.
SO yeah, this week might suck but I am going to try and find my joy buried in the week somewhere. And I am trying to get my blogging thing going. Thanks for the patience.