Sunday, April 10, 2011

Tupperware and then some......

I don't write nearly as often as I me, the thoughts are there. Guess I need to get better at this. I am going to try. Well tonight....hmmmmm.....

Tupperware and then some. Tupperware, so many uses for different forms of plastic. (I promise, this will all come together somehow, just be patient.) OK, so in my house, some of the uses of plastic tupperware are: dog food container holder, left over food storage container, water bowl, cleaning product holder, storage container (ohhhhh the storage containers, back to you in a minute), food transporter, christmas decoration storage, I'm sure there is more.
Today upon looking in my closet for probably the millionth (that is a word lol) time, I focused on some tupperware/storage containers.......these containers hold so much more than any food,cleaning items or anything else. You see, these 3 LARGE plastic storage bins, they hold my hopes, my dreams, my wishes, what should have been part of my future and memories. They are full, full of baby blankets, towels, socks, clothes, shoes, more blankets, more onesies, shoes, hats, sheets, crib mattress covers, more clothes and more. They sit there completely clean, all washed (well maybe not the 12mo and up things but clean). For some reason tonight I have had a urge to go open those containers and look thru each and every one of them. I don't regret having them in there. In fact I wouldn't put them anywhere else. As I am ALWAYS deathly afraid (yes paranoia is a issue now for me, I will never admit this to many people though) that my apartment will catch fire and I will lose it all. I will lose my pictures, my sons ONLY plaster footprint mold, his incomplete baby book, the storage tubs of clothes he will never wear, the baby tub he will never use, the diaper bag(that still is packed with odds & ends). I wonder how on earth I would possibly save all of that and my dog. The only things that matter to me are those. Take the apartment, burn it down, forget the furniture, my clothes, shoes, etc.....just give me my dog and ALL of my sons things. You see I have thought of getting a fire proof safe before, but there is so many items I would want to keep there....I'd have to get up early everyday just to pack it all inside then at night get it all out (well the pictures, footprint, blanket, my molly (Jayden) bear, poem that is framed, see yes I am nuerotic now. So I wonder, how do I let go of this crippling anxiety type fear issue I have....ummmm yeah I don't know. Obviously packing & unloading a safe is not a feasable thought in reality, running into a burning building to save all of those items....I'd probably not make it. But I know I would try. I'd kick and scream at any govt official that tried to stop, probably end up arrested for that.

You see, 17months into this journey of my now "new normal" I still struggle. I struggle everyday for the child I will never know. I will also say, I have come a long way. I miss my son daily of course, but I know my son is what also gives me strength to reach new destinations. HE is my strength. Everyone says "you're so strong", "I could not go through what you went through" or "i don't know how you do it"...guess what...neither do i, I didn't ask to go through losing a child and certainly would rather be a weak weak person that has a child than this.  But 17months and here I am, yes I am here. I don't know why this week has been hard, maybe because a family member found out they are having a girl. I am thrilled for them by the way. Maybe because another relative said they are waiting to hear what the expecting couple needs (same relative that refused to discuss my pregnany, didn't buy anything for my son (when they bought everything for my sister during her pregnancies), maybe i have just been lonely this week. Maybe I just need a hug, a stiff drink or a punching bag and some gloves. I really don't know, but I am here. Still wandering through the tupperware and containers that will remain there. I wish I could get pregnant again (and soon). This is no secret to my sons father. I know another child will never replace my son, so please don't think that is my goal. My son will hold my heart forever, you see I lost my future when I lost my son. Now I have leftovers in tupperware, only these leftovers are still new. That is one of the uses of tupperware in my house.

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